//Upon reaching home, i thought of deleting this entire post.
& since you were clueless about this post, i was re-deciding if i still wanted you to see it.
However, that repetition of behaviour reminded me that my purpose is to let you see yourself, through my feelings, my perspective.
& deleting this whole thing would just go against that purpose.//
--

It just took me days of sickness to make me wonder how much i really meant to you.
You can assure me how much i mean to you, tell me you care, claim that you worry, say that you love me,
but actions speak louder than words, and that's what i want.
Your actions just doesn't correspond with your words.
Don't tell me i mean a lot to you, when you turn a deaf ear to what i always say.
Don't tell me you care, when i had to offer to "buy" your time just for another 15 minutes.
Don't tell me you worry, because all you ever worry about is guys i talk to, photoshoots that i do, & whether or not my clothes are too revealing.
These factors alone are just not enough to prove how much you love me.

I'd rather you show me more care and concern, even if it means not loving me.
That's the extent of the importance i need to feel.
I'd rather be like how we were 8 months back,
when i felt you really cared,
when i could see the effort you put in for me,
when i saw how far you would go to win me over.
when you gave me gifts to make me happy.
when you looked forward to seeing me each day.

But these days were long gone.
Even if you did, is it still the same?
Is it based on utmost sincerity and genuineness?
or is it done solely to humor me & to keep me shut?

I'm not typing this to spite you, like you always think i do.
No matter how much i tell you, the possibility of changes is just so tiny.
I know you need space to breathe, time to change,
but my patience is constantly wearing out with impending new factors.

I admit that i'm temperamental, controlling & even selfish.
But i can't be blamed for all that.
you know what its like to be cheated on,
you know how it feels & understand the misery & torment one goes through.
and similarly, you would also take precautions to stop any similar scenario from repeating itself.

I guess my dominance and selfishness came from the fact that i'll never want to risk losing someone I love, again.
& sometimes, this may even be a tool to destroy the relationship.
Its just like a matter of "make or break", which involves a lot of gambling.
you've got to understand, i am only human & i too, need time to react to changes around me.
In addition, my adaptation isn't as fast, and often, i even refuse to acknowledge the changes,

just like how i could not adapt to the sudden independence you wanted me to have,
or the decreasing importance that you're currently making me feel.

I've always hoped that you'll understand how i feel, to put yourself in my position& spare a thought for me.
Even the simplest thing like unsileting your phone, is considered as sparing a thought.
I don't expect you to be perfect, because no one is.
All i want is just for you to TRY to treat me even better than how others treat me
because you're special & that's how things should be, in my eyes.
not in a competitive way though, & i'm very sure you get what i mean.

If all that i've typed isn't clear enough to make you understand,
then i guess i'll have nothing more to say.